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If you need to swallow your impatience and show your remorse stronger, do it.

If they need to keep tabs on you, then let them know where you are.

If you choose to work things out with your spouse, then no personal contact at all with your former lover. Even things you may try to explain as “just talking to a friend.” Remember . If feasible, it is probably a good idea one of you leave the job.

Because it is too easy to slip back into the unhealthy behaviors.

Not a good starting point if you are trying to heal your marriage.

Here’s the tough truth: healing and rebuilding trust will take a looooooong time.

Like marriage, we have no “manual” that tells you how to handle an affair or what the “right” things are to do. This is the “we’re just friends now” excuse or “I still care and want to make sure they are okay.” The cheater is trying to justify to themselves and their spouse that somehow it is okay to keep in touch with the person they cheated with. You are still taking something away from your spouse. However, I know it isn’t always practical, so here are a few suggestions: Easy rule: if your spouse would question it, be hurt by it, or be angered by it, don’t do it. Sometimes the cheater falls into idealizing the affair partner/relationship.

There are many books out there, but how do you know which is the one? Here are three mistakes I see cheaters make again and again when couples are trying to reconcile after an affair. Emotionally an affair feels really good: it has intensity, a hint of “danger” which adds spice, and “everything is perfect.” However, an affair is fantasy.

Even alone, though, she is unable to act on those plans.

So, this means a year at least of times when your spouse will be triggered and feel unsure.

Your courageous work if you are trying to recover your marriage after and affair is to keep these three mistakes in mind.

You have to realize reality isn’t fantasy (but it can be better.) The more you focus on how “perfect” things were with your lover, the more you put at jeopardy the chance of working things out with your spouse.

You can’t see the real love you have (or can create) through the drunken haze of “affair goggles.” What you have to do is stop comparing and work with your spouse on your very real relationship.

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